Kristy is one member of a quintet that has been together for over 2 yrs as a group, with the two legally married couples each having over a decade under their belts. She is the resident "mommy" and housewife who enjoys learning and talking about sexuality. She is currently taking several courses online on sexology. She will be writing this column about sex and kink issues and how they effect the poly community. When not talking or writing about her favorite subject she draws, paints, sews and designs clothing and textile art.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Gearing Up For Adventure
Good evening, and welcome to Salacious Scribblings. Tonight's topic is "Gearing up for an interesting night". Sit back, relax, and open your mind. Hopefully it'll be a bumpy ride.
So you have talked to a potential playmate and both of you are comfortable with exploring a little kink, so now what? Have you discussed hard limits and soft limits? Hard limits are limits you will not pass, such as bestiality or scat. Soft limits are limits that you might pass in the right situation for example anal sex, if you have not tried this before.
After you have defined limits, I would recommend getting together a "toy box" somewhere to put all of the toys you are now going to aquire. I, myself, have a metal trunk that my mother brought home to me from Saudi Arabia. It is both functional and decorative and most important to me it has a hasp so that it may be locked. Most convenient if you have children, nosy roommates or in-laws.
Now that you have a place to keep your tools, what should go in the box? The first thing is safety equipment. You need to have sharp scissors, extra handcuff keys, bandage scissors, a first aid kit, 2 squishy rubber balls in yellow and red, antiseptic wipes, toy cleaner, 1 to 10 ratio bleach solution, tons of lube and condoms. Sharp scissors come in handy for cutting ropes in an emergency or for cutting rope to a desired length. Handcuff keys become essential if in a "scene" you accidentally lose one or, in my case, swallow one. Just a word to the wise don't make your tied up playmate hold the key in their mouth, it is hard to explain to a doctor how in the world an adult swallows a handcuff key! Bandage scissors come in handy if you play with duct tape or plastic wrap because they slide right under with minimal chance of gouging skin. The two squishy balls are very important if you plan on gagging or in some other way make your partner not able to verbally communicate. If dropped, yellow is for slow down and let me get used to this new sensation and red is for STOP, get me loose, I am done. The yellow, green, or red also make good safe words. A first aid kit is always a good idea, as accidents do happen even when you take all the precautions you can think of. Cleanliness of your toys, surfaces, and anything that has come in contact with skin or bodily fluids, is paramount especially when you might use things on multiple people. Wiping surfaces with the bleach mixture or antiseptic wipes, washing ropes, and throw away things like clothes pins that are cheap and easily replaced. Please make sure to clean toys especially since lots of infections can be successfully prevented with proper care, and having the cleaning essentials handy makes you twice as likely to clean up right away instead of waiting and possibly forgetting. As for the condoms, as well as their normal use, they make great extra protection for vibrators and toys, in fact most distributors and makers recommend them and lubrication is also important for toy use and the occasional "dry spell".
That leads us to the fun part of this: assembling toys and equipment. Think about what kind of play you want to try and collect those items. Watch some explicit movies featuring bondage and domination. Imagine scenes and scenarios, think of how you want your lover to feel or make you feel. All of these things need to be taken into account before you gather up supplies.
For a beginner I would recommend a few common items you may have around the house, rope, a paddle, warming oil, a feather duster, peppermints, clear plastic wrap, a butter knife, clothes pins, and a dildo or vibrator. Just make sure to only use things in the box for play, you don't want to mix up and use these things for everyday use, it is not sanitary to use the spanking spoon to stir soup the next day. I recommend cotton rope - this works better than nylon or hemp because it is not slick or prickly and feels better on skin, and it is also washable. I do not recommend handcuffs until you and your partner get the hang of things because they tend to tighten and get painful very fast (not to mention leave marks that maybe hard to explain). If you want to spend the money there are several different kinds of lockable cuffs available that are attractive and work very well. I really like the leather cuffs with lambs wool lining then tend to stay tight enough and the wool helps wick away moisture and keep the cuffs from getting to constricting. I also do not recommend silk scarves, pantihose / stockings or anything too small in diameter because they tighten and get extremely hard to get off of your hands or ankles and can cause circulation and nerve damage issues quickly. Plastic wrap works very well as a bondage tool it is easy to use and looks cool. It is very sexy to see parts of your lover encased in clear or colored wrap. It also becomes very strong when more than one layer is used and has the added bonus of being able to be used as a dental dam. Just remember that the skin must breathe so do not use the wrap to fully mummify your partner for more than a few minutes and never use over the mouth and nose.
A paddle ball paddle works very nicely for a spanking tool as does paint stirrers, wooden spoons, plastic spoons, or various crops or paddles available online or at the local equestrian supply store. Often rubber or plastic floggers and such will accidentally cut skin so purchase and use with care. For sensation play, warming oils, ice, feather dusters (used only for this purpose), and peppermints are great. Peppermints and cinnamon candies will give a warm tingly sensation while giving oral to a male. I absolutely do not recommend this for females because peppermint oil as well as cinnamon oil can cause chemical burns. A butter knife, when kept in the freezer, produces a very sharp cutting feeling without actually cutting skin. Careful of serrated edges. This brings us to clothes pins. They make wonderful nipple clamps and labia clips but listen to your lover and proceed carefully as those little clips can get pretty intense. You can also string more than one together and make a zipper to be pulled off of the skin but be careful with a zipper they can leave bruises or tears in the skin.
That brings up another thought, after you and your lover are done with a "scene" it is very important to be open to cuddling and reassurance, often the submissive, bottom, or person tied down needs lots of reassurance and possible quiet and a blanket. Whenever extreme emotion and adrenaline comes into play, a state of shock is possible so be ready for it and make sure to keep your lover warm and calm for a while, and reassure them you still respect and love them.
Now you have a collection of tools to used to tease and titillate your lover with and to explore your dark side with. I hope you find it as rewarding as I do. Just a little warning: communication is as important here, if not more so, than in any other relationship. Good thing our relationships tend to make us comfortable with that. You are entering into potentially dangerous ground and sometimes it can be even more emotionally dangerous than physically dangerous and still I cannot express enough the need for care, consideration, communication, and just plain common sense both before and after.
Until next time, when we will talk about "The war on Sex". A topic that is in the fore-front of my mind with all of the hate and malice this administration seems to be feeling toward anyone with an alternative lifestyle and or belief system. Have a good night and remember to have fun and be safe, that's what sex was meant to be about.
Kristy is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Kristy ; June 06, 2007
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