Kristy is one member of a quintet that has been together for over 2 yrs as a group, with the two legally married couples each having over a decade under their belts. She is the resident "mommy" and housewife who enjoys learning and talking about sexuality. She is currently taking several courses online on sexology. She will be writing this column about sex and kink issues and how they effect the poly community. When not talking or writing about her favorite subject she draws, paints, sews and designs clothing and textile art.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Exploring the Dark side
Hello, and welcome to Salacious Scribblings. Tonight's topic is "How to introduce kink into your existing relationships". Sit back, relax, and open your mind. Hopefully it'll be a bumpy ride.
I think we should start by addressing how to tell a lover you are into a kink. After all, this is the poly and kink column and that seems like a safe start. First, we should talk about whether this is a new thing, or is the lover new. That can make all the difference in the world. Either way, communication is the key.
If this is a new experience you want to try, I would probably recommend a very straight forward approach. Something to the affect of "Honey I was reading something online and I was wondering if you have ever wanted to try something a little different?". Hopefully at this point a conversation is born. Fantasies are a great place to start. Try telling your lover about the more exotic fantasies you have and then ask about their favorites. This can open up whole avenues of exploration. One of my lovers has regular fantasies about sex in public, when I found this out we got naughty at the drive-in movies a few days later. This has opened our love life up considerably. Ever since then he has been way more adventurous and willing to try new things.
Then, as a couple (or more) do some research, read some forums, and/or look at paraphernalia.There are several books out on the subject and lots of erotic fantasy in the BDSM category. One of my favorite series of erotic fiction is the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by A.N.Roquelaure which is the pen name of Anne Rice. These are pretty graphic but delve nicely into the psychology behind BDSM. Think about all of the safety issues such as condoms, toy cleaning, and the like, and decide on a safe word. Come up with a scenario you would like to try, and let loose your inner kinkster.
Make sure you rent the kids out for the night. There is nothing worse than the timid knock of a child during sex (unless it's the timid knock and small voice that says "Mommy, did Daddy do a bad thing, 'coz I don't think he needs a spanking? You should put him in timeout" Then leading said child back to bed and tucking them in, and hearing "I like that swimsuit but you probably don't want to wear it to the beach you might get a sunburn through the holes." in a sleepy little voice)! Trust me the child will be fine, but you on the other hand will need months of therapy.
If on the other hand it's a new lover I would bring the topic up gently. You might try the opener of "I have tried this before and really enjoyed it, what do you think?". Again, this should open up the lines of communication. Don't be discouraged if at first they seem a little reluctant. Try dropping the subject for a while and then bring it up later. Most people are nervous about trying new things and they may need to mull it over for a while. This is also a great opportunity to bring up a fantasy or two or to leave an open erotic novel on the bed stand. Also be ready to answer questions. I have been asked, why? how? and how did you get to be this way? They will often have other questions such as "What if I hurt you?" or statements like "I don't think I can hit you.". Clear communication is essential at this point. It also helps if you can be ready with answers. Go slowly and carefully into this new realm. Reassure your lover that he/she won't hurt you that is what safe words are for and that no matter what you will still love and respect them.
You also should be ready for the fact that most people will never be into BDSM in a hard-core way although most couples in their life will experiment in sensual bondage and sensory play. In fact most couples already do pull out the silk scarves and cool whip but don't consider it BDSM and don't think they have anything in common with "those freaks".
If these techniques don't work, or if you find that your lover is just not into the darker side of pleasure, then the great thing about poly is your next lover might be. For more information, I would recommend this site http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html .It has some great information and resources.
Oh, and one final piece of advice: DO NOT jump out of the closet at them wearing a catholic schoolgirl outfit and brandishing a gimp mask yelling "Let's Party!". This will probably not have the results you are looking for (unless your partner running for the hills or rolling on the floor in hysterical gales of laughter is what you were hoping for, then by all means!).
Next time, the topic will be "Gearing Up for a Night of Adventure". Good night, have fun, and don't let the bedbugs bite (unless, of course, your partner's pet name is Bedbugs).
Kristy is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Kristy ; May 06, 2007
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folks have read this article.