Communication: The Universal Solution
By Jeffery P. Adams
Reprinted From Relating, The Newsletter of the Institute for 21st Century Relationships (Volume 2, Number 1)
© 2002 The Institute for 21st Century Relationships. All rights reserved.
RD120105
My family -- my chosen family -- consists of four
adults. We constitute a single, unconventional
marriage. We have a family business where we
all work, though two of us have other work as
well. We have long-term goals as well as smaller
goals close to hand. There is a lot of common
activity and time together as friends, family and
partners in all things. We study, dream, worship
and laugh together, and we never find it enough.
Naturally this involves a lot of communication.
Among four closely bonded adults who need to
wear an acceptable public persona when out and
about while simultaneously living fully a nontraditional
relationship, clear communication is of
paramount importance.
We live in a very small town, with a powerful
intolerance of different ways of living. When in
public, say, out for dinner, we are careful to
behave as two couples. The hardest part of that
is not what we verbalize so much as our body
language; but for simple conversation, in public
or with other people, the differences are slight
and only occasionally do we feel the presence of
the "public eye and ear." When at home or
otherwise comfortably private, communication
among the four of us is wonderfully free and
freely intimate. It is the power of this free
communication that keeps our group marriage
working well and growing in all ways: physically,
emotionally and spiritually.
Communication is the most critical aspect in any
relationship. In marriage, conventional or
alternative, this is especially true. Unfortunately,
"most critical" also means most difficult and most
prone to failure. What's failure in communication?
Any of several things, such as saying the wrong
thing, or the right thing at the wrong time, or
hearing something other than what was said, or
giving an incomplete communication, or (a really
popular mistake) saying only what one imagines
the other person (or people) want to hear.
In our family we have found that the most critical
mistake in communication is nothing more nor
less than failing to listen completely to the person
speaking, especially if that person isn't speaking
at all. Huh? How can you listen to someone who
isn't speaking? That's easy: we all talk, all the
time, but actual words make up by far the smaller
part of what we say to each other. We speak with
our bodies, with our eyes and faces, with the
pauses between our words and with our silences.
In a traditional marriage silences are easy to
notice. There's only the one other person, after
all, and if (s)he isn't talking, it's quite apparent. In
a group of four, however, three could easily be
talking away happily and fail to notice that the
fourth is unusually quiet, or isn't even in the room
right now. In a group marriage it is easier to hide
out and get away with it, unless the others are
really paying attention.
Still, things get missed, minor upsets occur.
Sometimes we're just plain tuckered out and not
as alert as we might otherwise be. Sometimes we
just get cranky; we are human after all. Or
sometimes you just want to be alone. In those
moments it's amazing what a simple statement
can do. "I just want to be alone for a little bit right
now." "I'm feeling cranky today, I don't mean to
lash out." Or "I'm not feeling very well but I do
want to be with the family tonight." Simple
statements that let all know clearly what's going
on.
My family is thoroughly committed to its marriage.
We know that communication can cut through
and resolve anything and open wonderful
opportunities. We all work to protect our good
communications and to make them ever better,
for they are the solid foundation upon which our
marriage and our family stands. Our marriage is
a gift and we defend all that makes it work.
Yet neither are we obsessive about
communication. Sometimes a person needs to be
left alone. For example, as a writer I need
solitude to do my work. My family knows to leave
me alone at those times. Balance, too, is an
important part of communication, as it is all parts
of life.
Come, let us discuss it further.