Sister Dagger is the hinge of a V-Triad, complemented by her husband Kriek and the illegitimate husband Chias. Despite the fact that she works fulltime, juggles two husbands and is mother to a wonderful son, she decided to share her wisdom and insights regarding the poly lifestyle. Here she will try to document the journey that is not only her marriage to multiple men but her life in general. Despite all of the chaos that sometimes ensues, there are always Sweet Reasons for living in a poly relationship.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Daybreak
My best friend's name is Daybreak. Having her as a best friend is a huge step for me, having never been close with many females. Our journey to best friendship was stretched out over an 8 month period of time. We became very close. True to best friend form, we are now there for each other in whatever comes up. A support beyond the immediate family. Also, she happens to be my boss. We see eye to eye in just about everything that happens at work. It became clear to me that I could trust her with everything.
So I told her. I can't say I wasn't nervous about it, but I needed to tell her. I was getting tired of having to almost sugar coat my relationship with Chias. I'd spent too much time with her to not give her the benefit of the doubt in regards to trusting her with this very important part of my life. Chias and I had recently run into another friend of mine, whom I hadn't seen in a few years, and I had to refer to him as 'my friend that's living with us'. The almost lie made me uncomfortable, but Chias and I felt it was necessary. So, my choice to let Daybreak into our skeleton closet was also partly because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable almost lying to my best friend. My sister was mildly upset with me that I hadn't told her sooner, that I couldn't trust her with that information. I didn't want Daybreak to feel that way.
We went out for lunch and I said,
"Now that you are my best friend there's something I need to tell you about me, Kriek, and Chias."
"Alright, what's up?" Daybreak asks.
"Chias is my boyfriend." I stated, and waited for the shocked face. (I used the term boyfriend in the beginning so she wouldn't think I was being illegal)
Suprise lit Daybreaks face.
"You know, I wondered if something was going on... Spill! Tell me how it happened!"
And then we went into depth about how our triad came about. She had some extremely insightful questions, including the sex ones, though those weren't till later and she understood immediately that the relationship wasn't about sex.
"Now I understand how you can give good relationship advice! You have to juggle two!" she exclaimed, laughing.
I knew she was my best friend for a reason.
Beyond having my sister know, it's wonderful to also have your best friend (and boss to a certain extent) support you in whatever is going on in your life. Even something this huge. Later I explained that I refer to Chias as my husband because that's the feeling that's behind our relationship. And, really, that is what marriage is about. Two (or more in our case) people declaring thier feeling for each other. Whether or not it's sanctioned by laws.
Daybreak and I balance each other out very well. She's teaching me to be more bold and out-spoken, and I'm teaching her to calm down a bit, and relax. Since telling her about my menfolk, we've become even closer. Just letting her into that one aspect of myself I don't share with just anyone, showed her that I trust her. And that went farther to solidifying our relationship than any of our other 'soul-searching-meaning-of-life-after-death' talks.
She has since told me that she's often wondered if she could do the same thing, but has come to the conclusion that, because she could never allow a boyfriend to see another woman, she doesn't feel she would have the right to have two boyfriends. While she, at times, tortures herself about what to do in a relationship (she's a bit high maintenance), she's learning to have patience. A huge feat for her because she is SOOOO not a patient person. She watches me with my men and sees that it's entirely possible to wait and make things go the right way. She figures if I can juggle two men, she can at least wait for the right one to 'see the light'(as she puts it).
Already, Chias has offered Daybreak some advice on being alone, and dealing with that loneliness. And she actually took it to heart, and is dealing with it from day to day. The ironic thing is that, if I hadn't told her about my relationship to him, I don't think she would have listened. But, knowing that I chose Chias, allowed her to take his words and apply them to herself. She sees that he eventually became a whole person before he met me and Kriek, and that going into a relationship (especially a triad one) as a whole solid person(with only a little baggage), is better than going into a relationship that is based on dependency. She will talk to Kriek when she needs a male perspective on a situation with her boyfriend. That and Kriek is just a really good listener.
I'm hoping that my triad can show her that good relationships can happen, even to her, and even with monogamous relationships, given time, patience, understanding, respect and love. That's the hallmark of any solid relationship, monogamous, poly, or best friendship.
She's my sunshine girl.
Sister Dagger is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Sister Dagger; November 5, 2006
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