These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.



The Positive Side Effects of Poly

I’ve started this month’s column half a dozen times, and I’ve scrapped every one of them. They’ve been too whiny, too negative, too bitter, too sarcastic, too something every time. I’m not coming from a particularly good place this month. It’s only been two weeks since I was forced from my home of the last five years, two weeks since life as I have known it for so long ended, two weeks since the only family that was ever really important to me imploded, exploded, and was left in painful, smoldering ashes. Given those circumstances, I don’t feel that I have much to offer this community at this point in time; I don’t feel like I have much of anything positive to say.

Despite all of this, however, I still wholeheartedly believe in poly. I still believe that love is infinite, and I still believe that it’s possible, and even natural, to share your life with more than one love. So what to write about? In considering this, and scrapping column after column, I keep circling back to one common theme.

Friends.

And not just any friends, but friends from the poly community. I didn’t come here looking for friends, per se. I’m not really a people person, so I didn’t even think I needed friends. I came here looking for like minded people who could understand some of the issues my family was facing. I came here looking for people who could empathize with our sorrows and celebrate our joys. I came here looking for people who wouldn’t judge me or mine based solely on our chosen life and love style. I found all of those things. As a by product, I’ve found some of the best friends I’ve made in my whole life. I found people who empathize, understand, don’t judge, celebrate, and support. I found fabulous friends.

When all of this chaos, pain, and confusion started happening in my life, I felt totally lost. I had no idea where to go or what to do or where to turn, since in effect, my support system had turned on and away from me. I felt utterly decimated by the woman who claimed to have been my best friend for the past two decades. I felt totally abandoned by two men who claimed to have loved me. I thought I had no one. I was so very wrong. I had my friends. My poly friends.

I’m speaking of everyone here in general and of Pegasus and Renaissance Man in specific. When I gave up on everything and everyone, they refused to give up on me. Both of them grabbed me by my proverbial bootstraps and yanked me out of the abyss—the abyss that I was voluntarily letting myself fall into. When I first moved, I literally didn’t have anything more than a bed, a desk, a computer, and my dog. Peg and RM made sure I could cook a meal and make a phone call. I don’t know if either of them has any idea what that means to me. Even more importantly than that though, they made sure I knew that I wasn’t, in fact, alone. They made sure I knew that I hadn’t lost everything that was important to me. They made it apparent that I do still have friends and that I wasn’t abandoned by everyone that I love. They didn’t let me give in to the dark thoughts and desires, and most importantly they helped me back on the path to finding myself. I’ve been so lost in other people for the past five years that I’d forgotten who I used to be and that I actually liked that person.

I still have some very dark moments. I still just sit and cry. I am still prone to fits of rage that would frighten Saddam Hussein. I still unravel over the smallest things. I still forget to eat for a couple of days, and I still lie awake most of the night. I’m not “fixed” by any stretch of the imagination. I am, however, not nearly as alone as I thought I was, and that’s one of the wonderful and unexpected side effects of poly. I didn’t come looking for friends, but I certainly found them. I wouldn’t trade any of you for anything in the world. Even my “old life” back. I’d do pretty much anything for any one of you, and if you call on me, I’ll do my level best to be there.

I love you all.

PolyAnna; August 07, 2006

PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.

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