Never Do This: Common Poly Mistakes, Part Two
by Franklin Veaux, Polyamory? What? Why? How?
Copyright by Franklin Veaux
RD091705

Editor's Note: This is the second part of a two part article. Part one can be found here.

This page is designed to describe some of the mistakes you can make in a non-monogamous relationship even if you are compassionate, honest, and well-intentioned. Sometimes, building a stable, happy non-monogamous relationship is not intuitive, and there are mistakes that can be made along the road no matter how well-intentioned you may be. Ideally, you should seek to learn from other people's mistakes rather than your own; it's a lot less trouble.

Don't assume that needs not being met in one relationship can be met in another

Often, people may fall into the trap of believing that if some need is not being met in a relationship, the solution is to meet that need by seeking another relationship. This is particularly common in primary/secondary relationships, where if the secondary's needs aren't being met, the secondary may seek out other relationships to meet them.

In reality, many needs are connected to a relationship, not to a person. If you need A, B, C, D, and E, don't assume you can have needs A, B, and D met from Joe, and needs C and E from Bob. What you may find is that you need A, B, C, and D from Joe, and need A, D, and E from Bob; getting A from Joe does not help you get it from Bob.

Don't try to force your relationships to fit a predefined mold

Many people believe that communication is Rule #1 in a polyamorous relationship. If that's true, then Rule #0 is: Let your relationships be what they are.

When someone who is in a polyamorous relationship begins searching for a new partner, sometimes the temptation exists to search for a new relationship that will fit within a predefined form--for example, "I want a bisexual female who will date both my partner and I, who is already partnered, and who likes skeeball."

Like any kind of romantic relationship, a poly relationship isn't likely to be quite that tidy. Often, a relationship may fail if the people involved in that relationship try to force it to fit some predefined set of conditions, rather than allowing the relationship to grow in whatever direction is natural.

This is particularly true in situations where an existing couple or group seek out a new relationship that will involve everyone equally--for example, "We are a couple looking for another couple in such a way that all four of us will be romantically involved with one another." The impulse here can be to try to force the new relationships to fit that pattern even in situations where the relationships, if allowed to grow naturally, wouldn't take that shape.

But this can happen in one-on-one relationships as well. When people say things like "I want a secondary partner," they may be committing the advanced form of this mistake; you can't always predict in advance how intimate a romantic relationship will become. You can't force a light, casual relationship to become deep and passionate--but you also can't force a deep, passionate relationship to be light and casual!

A very valuable tool that can be used to avoid this problem is to treat any relationship between two people as though it has three components: the needs of the first person involved, the needs of the second person involved, and the needs of the relationship itself. Often, the relationship itself acts like a third, independent entity, and it's wise to listen to the needs of the relationship.

Don't try to isolate your relationships

Nothing exists in a vacuum. Often, people try to isolate their relationships from one another, and try to "compartmentalize" the relationships so that each is a separate, distinct entity. This is usually more common with relationships that follow a primary/secondary model.

Trouble is, it doesn't work. Each relationship can and will exert an influence on the others. It's important to keep this in mind, and to understand that the things you do in one relationship have consequences for the others.

On the other hand, it's also easy to go overboard in the other direction, which leads us to the next poly mistake:

Don't try to combine your relationships, or force them to act as a single relationship

This happens most often in people seeking to create an intentional, equilateral relationship involving three or four people. The impulse is for all the people involved to want to do everything together--to spend all their time together, go out together, and so on.

The dangers here are twofold. First, it can be suffocating to have no space of your own, to always be surrounded by other people. Second, this tends to try to "force" the relationship to fit a mold it might not fit naturally. It's quite normal for all the people in a triad or quad to relate to one another somewhat differently, even if the triad or quad is equilateral; and two of the people may enjoy doing something together that the third doesn't enjoy, or doesn't enjoy as much.

 

This is normal and healthy. There's nothing wrong with letting the relationships develop as they will; not everyone has the same needs, the same tastes, and the same desires. It doesn't mean the relationship is not equilateral.

Don't try to separate yourself from your lover's other relationships

This most often happens in situations where one partner is polyamorous by nature and the other is monogamous. A number of factors can cause you to try to distance yourself from your lover's other lovers: Fear, jealousy, insecurity, and so on.

 

The reality of your lover's other relationships is almost never as bad as the fear makes it out to be. Getting to know your lover's other partners can go a long way to driving out that fear. The fact is, a person who is involved with someone who's poly is also in a relationship with that person's other partners--even if it's not a romantic relationship.

 

If you see those other partners as competitors, it becomes easy to dehumanize them, and the impulse is to vilify and distrust them. This tends to cause a great deal of stress on your relationship with your lover; it also tends to cause you to go crazy.

Once you see your lover's other partners as human beings, instead of as competitors, it eases any stress you may be experiencing. It also helps you to establish healthy, happy relationships with them.

If, that is, they want a healthy relationship with you. If they don't, then it's important to consider the next common poly mistake, which is:

Don't be afraid to put your foot down

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

Not everyone is a good person, and not everyone is perfect, and not everyone makes an ideal match for your lover. Often, we may want to do things that make our partner happy, even if we know better or if we have to sacrifice our own happiness to get there.

This usually works in the short run, and usually causes pain and grief in the long run. Listen to that little inner voice; it's rarely wrong. If something bothers you, speak up about it. If you find something completely unacceptable, say so! Even if it's irrational, your lover should at least be willing to listen to what you have to say about it.

And speaking of being irrational:

Don't expect human beings to be rational all the time

We are inherently irrational beings. This is a part of the nature of man. Irrational responses are a part and parcel of who we are as human beings, and these things can't be addressed rationally.

You may find some of your partner's behavior or emotional response to be irrational in any romantic situation. This is not necessarily bad; love is not rational. Nor is jealousy.

Remember that you are not always rational, either. Do not attack, browbeat, or berate your partner for behaving emotionally; do not expect that your partner will always act in accordance with reason and logic. It's not going to happen.

If your partner is acting irrationally, you must still be compassionate and respectful--even if you disagree with things your partner says or does! Treat your partner's feelings with respect and courtesy. Try to find out why your partner feels the way he or she feels. Often, there may be some underlying reason that is not obvious; if you want to address the feeling, it's necessary first to find out where it comes from.

People often know that it's important to be compassionate when faced with jealousy, but it's important to remember that all of your partner's feelings are important. Even positive feelings, such as love or new relationship energy, can cause your partner to behave irrationally. Try to understand what your partner is feeling, and why, when you address any problems this behavior may bring up.

Develop good communication and conflict resolution skills

This one is obvious, really, but it bears repeating. A relationship is not doomed until the people in it stop talking to each other and start breaking dishes instead.

Talk to your partner. Honestly. All the time. About everything.

Don't make unilateral life-altering decisions

Partners should include one another in life-altering decisions. Big announcements of major changes in one's life can often make one's partners feel alienated.

Talk to all your partners. Don't relay information through your other partners.

This never works. Seriously. Information that passes through an intermediary never quite gets to its destination without getting mangled. If you need to talk to someone, go directly to that person.

And on a related note:

Don't rely on relayed information

Never trust that what one partner says about what another partner said is entirely accurate (even if no skewing was intended). Go to the source and get confirmation.

Don't move too fast

There is no such thing as instant polyamory. Don't think you have to have sex on the first date. Don't show up with a moving van on the second date. And don't call it a "relationship" till you've actually dating a while. Try letting things grow naturally, and build something lasting instead.

Polyamorous relationships are not different in kind from monogamous relationships, and the beginnings of any relationship are fraught with peril. Take it slow.

Don't ignore that little voice in your head

This is an easy mistake to make in any kind of relationship, not just a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes, your heart may tell you one thing even when your head tells you another; even if you can't put your finger on any rational reason why, it's often a good idea to listen to your heart when it suggests that something might be wrong.

Just because you can't find a rational reason why something is wrong doesn't necessarily mean everything is OK. A wise course of action is to start with the assumption that the little voice is trying to warn you about something you have not consciously become aware of, and to delve deeper into figuring out what that may be.

The little voice is not always right, of course, But don't write it off just because it's not rational.

Don't be afraid of change

Often, especially in a primary/secondary relationship, we may have a subconscious expectation that somebody new can come into our lives and our lives will continue pretty much as they were, undisturbed.

But any romantic relationship is going to leave a permanent mark on the people involved. Any time you introduce someone into your romantic life, even as a secondary, that person can and likely will alter your life permanently.

This is a feature, not a bug. If you bring people into your life, don't expect to continue on untouched.

Don't assume every problem you encounter is related to polyamory

When you're involved in any non-traditional relationship model, it can sometimes be tempting to blame every problem you may encounter on that model. This seems particularly true in polyamory, where it might be easy and tempting to blame the polyamory for whatever trouble you may encounter--"If we weren't poly, we wouldn't have to deal with this!"

But that's not necessarily so. Even traditional, monogamous relationships face their fair share of challenges and difficulties.

For example, if you're in a poly relationship and you feel that you aren't getting enough of your partner's attention, it might be tempting to say, "If you weren't also involved with so-and-so, I wouldn't be feeling neglected." But in any relationship, situations exist that may distract your lover's attention--work, family, and so on. The problem in this case isn't really polyamory--it's time management.

Isolating the root cause of the problem, rather than simply blaming the problem on polyamory, is an excellent way to resolve relationship difficulties.

Make sure your actions and your intentions match

This is a valuable rule to apply to any relationship, but it's particularly important in a poly relationship.

For instance, if you claim to accept or like your lover's other partner(s), but in practice you manage to avoid acknowledging the other partner(s) as much as possible (such as never asking about them, never taking any initiative to nurture even the most casual or friendly relationship with them, falling silent or changing the subject whenever your lover mentions them, etc.), then you're sending a clear message that you wish the other partner(s) didn't exist.

 

This is very difficult on the lover-in-the-middle, which is made much worse if you deny that you're doing this.