Loving three
by Fire God, Polyamorous Percolations member

Fire God is a member of this online community who frequently submits articles to us. While he does not submit monthly, his works are included here for reference.

Previous submissions from this author can be found in the Monthly Columns archives.

I am in love with not one, not two, but three women.

One of them, A, is no longer on this plane of existence; however my love for her is an undeniable reality in my life.

The second, H, is a result of the loss of my first love. She was loved by my wife and well liked by me for many years. At one point in our relationship, my wife A basically threw me at her literally and tried to get us together on a few occasions. More than a testing type of thing, seeing how she would not do that kind of thing. Anyway, more on those thoughts later as hindsight helps put the pieces together.

I am deeply involved with H and she is very involved with my kids and I love her. I also love another. I have gone down this road of two (on this plane of existence anyway) and could have stopped it many times yet chose not to. Why, you ask, did I let it get to this point? I did not see some of it coming, I wanted to make sure that it would be worth it, I wanted to believe that things would magically work somehow. I am totally responsible for the events that have transpired. I am sorry for the inappropriateness of some of the things I have done however they have been done, what is is. Now the question is, how to fix what is broken. First it must be identified as to what is broken. The biggest break is of course within me.

I am emotionally damaged and toxic. Sounds good doesn’t it? The reality is that I am really stupid (at least when dealing with my own life). I easily lose sight of the big picture and stick my head in the sand. At least I am able to recognize these traits and work on them. Unfortunately I have/do hurt many people along the way. If I could only have a do over *whine. Life does not work that way so all that I can do is try to limit the damage, apologize, try to make amends and stop doing the cycle that I have been in. I was shooting for a nirvana in all the wrong ways. I am living proof of the poly creed “the only way for relationships to work in this world is for massive amounts of truthful (to self and others) communication”. I can apply these lessons to my self and even maybe help others before they make the same mistakes I did. Communication is the foundation to all relationships. I can make all the excuses in the world and not a damn one of them can justify the hurt that I have caused. If you are one of the ones that I hurt over the years I am truly deeply sorry. If you are someone reading this that has not been hurt by me then please take heed, communicate before it is too late.

As far as nirvana for me goes, it is one of those things that are not obtainable, in this life at this time anyway. Kind of like being a fighter jock or seeing the earth or any other planet, star system etc. from space in person. So I have to look at what I do have which is considerable and truly appreciated in many ways and I am truly thankful for that.