I am a third in a Female, male, female Vee triad that is just starting down the road of Polyamory. My boyfriend and wife have been married for 6 years and we are all working towards moving in together in a few months. All of us are very involved in the LARPing (Live action role play) community in our area, and we also table top game whenever we can. I very much love singing, fantasy literature, and almost anything anime. I hope that I can give a happy view of a life I never dreamed of but always wanted in my heart.
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Emotional Surprises
Poly has been a big experiment for me. I did not grow up with this lifestyle, so I never even know that you could live this way. The fact that I though I would be ok with this no matter what was a little foolish on my part. Unless you have lived thru it or seen it first hand there is no real way of knowing how you will feel. The reason I’m saying this is because Tom has started to see another women and contrary to what I thought I was not as ok with it as I thought I would be. This particular column is about all of this and how my emotions can still surprise me.
In May of last year Tom, Lynne and I moved into an Apartment together to start are happy little Poly “Trifecta.” Things have gone fairly well with a few bumps here and there but that’s not unexpected with a new relationship. I was happily going along with set goals in mind, truly thinking that nothing big would change. At some point Tom and I would have our commitment ceremony, then at some other point we would have a baby, and then maybe later down the road we would have another baby that’s how I saw things going.
Of course from time to time other things would happen but what ever they where we would deal with it. We had talked about someone else maybe joining our family but we never seriously considered it. Lynne is willing to except me and understands that Tom or I may have short lived sexual encounters but was not up for another person to actually be part of our lives permanently. About a three months back Tom meet a girl named Regan, he liked her quite a bit and started to flirt with her. I did not think anything of it because she lives about an hour and a half away and we have very busy lives so we only could see her when we went to one of our LARP’ing events every couple of months.
Last month when we went to our battle groups large week long battle in Ohio we where there all week and she ended up showing up at the end of the week. Tom and I spent the last night of the event with her and one thing led to another and Tom kissed her. No big deal right, wrong! Very much wrong. I was immediately jealous. Tom has had some discreet encounters in the past and I have not cared at all, but this was different.
Somehow I knew that this relationship was going to be different it was not going to be a one or two night thing it had more feeling involved. The next day before we drove home the group of us went to a restaurant together and she sat with us. Tom happily talked to her and asked if she wanted to meet up for dinner on the way home since she was going the same way as us. So at dinner away from everyone else, just him, she and I, he asked her if maybe he could continue to see her.
I remembered feeling fear a great deal of fear, I could see my nice ordered future crumbling before my eyes. I never thought Tom would want to be in love with someone else; it just never hit me. What he was asking was not a little fun now and again it was a relationship, if not love at this moment it could be love in the future.
I was floundering, my emotions where all over the place. I was feeling inadequate, jealous and lonely. Why was I not enough for him? Didn’t I give him enough love, affection and sex? Why was she needed? Instead of telling Tom how I felt I just held it in all I could see was how happy he was, like a teenager with a new girlfriend I did not want to ruin that for him. He still made sure to tell me that he loved me and wanted me but it felt like he was doing it because he knew I wanted to hear it not because he just felt like saying it.
I had never been thought something like this; no boyfriend has ever left me for someone else and even thought he was not actually leaving me, that’s what it felt like. I wanted to be ok with it, how come I could handle other encounters but not this? Finally after waiting to long I exploded and told Tom all of how I felt.
It took a great deal of thinking on my part and talking to my sister and Tom for me to figure things out. Tom is very much in NRE and thus everything with Regan is new and amazing making him giddy like a teenager. He would tell me things he liked about her and I would see those things in myself so it hurt me, why did he need it from her if he had me? That was what I did not get; he did not need that from her, he had it from me. He just liked having more as well. He was not trying to replace me he just wants to add on to our life, he wants more love not to replace the old.
I was scared of this love and what it would mean for our life, I was afraid he would like her more then me or she would take time away from me. It was silly fear but still real, he does not like her more then me he love us the same just in different ways just like he loves Lynne in a different way. The time loss would still happen but knowing that he was not abandoning me helped a lot with that. He still loved me and he was not just trying to show it to make me feel better he truly felt it deeply and completely. I should have said something to begin with, but I was so confused about how I was feeling that I truly did not know what to tell him.
Also now that it is clear that Tom wants to see Regan in more then just a casual sense, it means he also has to talk to Lynne about how she will feel if we added someone else into the mix. This means several things: one, if she says yes a lot of things are going to have to be placed on hold. It takes Lynne a long time to deal with things and if she has to try to deal with a Commitment Ceremony between Tom and I and Regan coming into the picture she might not be able to handle it all. Plus I’m not sure it’s the best time for trying to have a baby when you are just starting a new relationship with someone else.
Two, if Lynne says she can’t handle having someone else involved Tom will have to break it off with Regan. Even though not much time has passed, I think feelings are somewhat strong between them and that it will hurt them both very much. Also I find I very much like Regan. She is a very nice girl and reminds me a lot of myself. I could see becoming very good friends with her.
All my planning and all my “Oh I will be fine with you seeing someone else” went right out the window and you know what? As scared and as I am, I am actually ok or going to be anyways. Nothing can be planed and life never works out the way you want to. Sadly I had forgotten that. It really took this to shake me out of my nice little fantasy world, I’m not perfect.
Even though I thought I was super laid back and understanding I can feel jealousy as well, now I truly understand some of how Lynne felt when I joined their life. I have learned so much about myself from this experience including that in some ways I depend on Tom to much to make me feel good. I have my own life I can do my own things maybe it’s time that I started to seek out some happiness made only by me.
Poly is all about many loves but most of all about communication and I can tell you how true that has been for me. Having someone like Tom who is so good at listening and understanding how I feel has only helped me see where I need to go now. I still very much love Tom and because of that I truly hope this relationship with Regan works out for him because I want him to have as much love in his life as he can. This has all been very scary and we are still only just in the beginning of all this but I know for myself that I am happy that this happened. This has given me the chance to truly see Poly from all sides. Maybe I will get something new and amazing to shake up my too orderly life.
Catanya is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Catanya ; July, 2009
Ed Note, Written in July of 2009 published on November 16, 2009.
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