I am a third in a Female, male, female Vee triad that is just starting down the road of Polyamory. My boyfriend and wife have been married for 6 years and we are all working towards moving in together in a few months. All of us are very involved in the LARPing (Live action role play) community in our area, and we also table top game whenever we can. I very much love singing, fantasy literature, and almost anything anime. I hope that I can give a happy view of a life I never dreamed of but always wanted in my heart.
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Hand In Hand In Hand
I remember staring out the window as a girl of 13 and dreaming about walking with the man I loved down a crowded street hand in hand. As a girl of 16 I dreamed of my beautiful wedding day or the moments we would share together on the living room couch snuggling.
Now at 25 I sit staring at my computer screen and I picture Tom (BF) walking hand in hand with Lynne (wife) and I at a crowded fair. I see Tom holding my hand as we make vows of loyalty, friendship and love with Lynne standing close by. The best dreams of all are the dreams of playing with Lynne's hair as Tom snuggles happily up to me on the couch. These dreams are so different from what I would have ever imagined as a child and yet they make me happier then I could have ever wished to be.
I always thought that it seemed wrong that you were only allowed to have one love at a time, who said that love was finite? Where in any medical journals did it say that your heart could only love so much and then there would be no more room? I know that it can't be true, because before I even found any true love I had someone in my life who I loved with all my heart, and that was my twin sister. So when I started dating my first boyfriend, I tested my heart and I thought "was it getting too full, did I need to give up some love from my sister to give to him"? Nope, seemed fine to me; lots and lots of love to go around to every person I cared about. So when Tom told me about polyamoury it was like a window being flung open for me, I could love more then one person and everyone involved was ok with it, finally what I had been looking for all along.
So far I have only been in my first poly relationship for 2 and a half months and already some of my daydreams have come true. But with the daydreams also come realities, polyamoury is not easy - you really do have to work at it. I have always been an upbeat happy person and at points I have found myself doubting that this would work, but whenever I feel down Tom is there to tell me that it's ok and we can get through this. The hardest part for us is that Tom and I went about this in the wrong way. We had an affair for three years before we told Lynne. We both know that what was done was wrong but to our surprise Lynne, though hurt, said she was willing to try and make this new relationship work. Now we have to work on gaining her trust back and all of the other issues that come with a new relationship, but there is hope in the air.
About two weeks back the county fair came into town and Lynne wanted to go, so we packed ourselves into my car and off we went. The ride there was nice. Lynne and I sat in the front and Tom hung around in the back. As us girls talked Tom would alternate playing with my hair or rubbing Lynne's shoulders, it was relaxing and had a nice feeling of comfort. As we walked through the fair with our ice creams Lynne told Tom it would be ok if he wanted to hold my hand too. At the time it was nice but funny since Tom's only free hand was full of ice cream cone. But with a little work we were walking hand and hand as we looked around. This was what I wanted, to be with the man I loved and my best friend who I loved very much as well. As I walked I again looked into my heart and found that it seemed fuller, it showed no signs of strain, no line that said max fill. All together it was an amazing day; one I would have to say came right out of my dreams.
I know that there will be many more good days ahead of me, and hardships as well. Nothing is perfect, not even poly as some would like to believe, but I also know that I have a lot of love to give and that no matter what I will never try to put a cap on my heart or my ability to love. I'm just starting down the long road of poly and I still have jealousy, fear and other scary things to deal with but as corny as it sounds I have hope that Tom, Lynne and I can work through it. I have a whole new set of daydreams and I'm not willing to give them up, not for anything!
Catanya is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Catanya ; September 08, 2007
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