37 year old Rhianon Leto (aka lightningbttfly) is a long time lover of
many. Having grown up with family acceptance and involvement in a
"commune" and having been involved in two separate triad relationships
and still forcing herself to committ to a monogomous (failed) marriage,
Rhianon has finally begun to accept her own needs, wants and desires.
Focusing on the communication and honesty necessary to navigate the
shadows and the required humor needed when one begins to explore her
deepest being; Rhianon Leto shares her experiences as she travels the
many paths of self discovery. Come along and join Rhianon as she
explores the whys, whos, wheres and politics of polylife.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Polyamory is simple
Polyamory is simple. Defining my life being a Polyamorous, bisexual, kinky, professional, middle aged woman…that is difficult.
I am still learning who and what I am, what I want and actually beginning to believe that I deserve to have what I want. I am an ever changing, flowing, hot stream of lava.
I began this journey with very few "concrete" ideas. I decided that I would love myself the most, keep me and my family safe and that I would be open and not judge anyone’s beliefs or desires. I didn’t realize that I had made those self-commitments while inside I had already judged my own thoughts, wants and had a preconceived notion of what I should have and what I should want.
I sought only what I believed was right for me and was closed to other situations. From everything I read and saw, it should have been easy for a single, attractive, confident, successful woman to find two people to love – there are so many couples “looking”. At one point I believed I had come to a resting spot. And I felt restless…
Then I was challenged to advance my thinking. Would it be possible to exist in anything other than my “ideal” situation? What was I really looking for ~ the ideal situation or the ideal love(s)? Could I find love that I really wanted, when I was only looking under one rock? Maybe I wasn’t being realistic …
And I felt my mind expand and new paths open to me … after all why couldn’t I find someone that I was interested in, come to care about them and then see where they fit in my life? Why did that person have to fit into this situational mode that I had limited myself to before I could try to care about them? Wasn’t that somehow backwards? And how was I so sure that this is what I wanted anyway?
So I began to explore more openly. I began to make friends for making friends sake, and suddenly there was not this overwhelming pressure to find IT or even know what IT is. In fact I have decided that there is a relief in accepting that I don’t HAVE to know, that I don’t HAVE to be that thing…whatever it is.
And suddenly I am enjoying being with myself. And I kind of like knowing that I can take care of myself and that I don’t HAVE to have sex. (Did I say that?) I have talked to many people lately. I have met many people lately. I did not do this with the “intent” of finding my “true love” or my “ideal situation”. I am finding a peace that I have long sought, just by being ok with just being whatever I am right now.
And now that I am not standing in the corner waiting for IT to come to me, I am seeing opportunities in places I never would have looked before. In people I never saw before in this light. And I am open to situations that I would have rejected in the past.
I know that what I started out wanting was definitely Poly. But is what I am considering even close? In wondering if I am being true to my ideals I found that I needed to define Polyamory. Are there rules to being Poly? Are there Moral codes? Relationship requirements? Can you be Poly and be single? Can you be Poly and just dating? So I asked myself what is Polyamory exactly?
I asked some folks. I did some research. I wanted to see how others defined Polyamory. And as I looked around and asked my “friends” I found many different words and many different structures. My favorite definition thus far I found on a match site;
Polyamory: The non-possessive, honest, responsible ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously.
But it sounded a little cold and ‘being Poly’, to me, well that is as warm as it gets. But then I found another term that I instantly understood.
Lovestyle: A consciously thought-out and chosen type of sexual/love relationship.
And I realized that someone else could not define Polyamory for me, even my own thoughts couldn’t define it for me . In fact, it wasn’t being Poly that would define my life at all…It was going to be my choices, my experience and my heart that would cause me to evolve into a person that I can respect and others can love. Polyamory isn’t my lifestyle, it isn’t who I am. Instead Polyamory is a Lovestyle in which I allow the breath of love to embrace my soul and spread its beautiful light to all of those around me.
And so…having no clue as to where I am going or what I am hoping to find, I test out my new found Poly Wings and float down the path on my journey with a lighter mind and a deeper appreciation of my own capability to love and have faith.
Rhianon Leto (aka lightningbttfly) is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Rhianon Leto (aka lightningbttfly) ; March 09, 2007
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